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News & Media Limited

Rember last year's blog?

with all incites on Michael "Salieri" Jordan his mules and all the drunken times with Dana Postshow Call in Girl and Ken Beatrice (both now missing) and Darvin Ham? Relive good times here!!

And remember old design? Looky here!!

Now we're slick thanks to our new web designers, Der Rat für Formgebung German Design Council, we look good and slick and vaguely Aryan!

For 2003-2004 good times, welcome ballers!

Hi it Yurgi from Romania intern with realtime blog of game Wizz one number! Jarrko intern from Finland by my side, but he passed out stinking of fish and grain alcohol, his blonde hair messed with foreign jelly candies.

OK, here go we!!!

It took until 4 minutes left for Comast to add scoreline and timeline and other crap that fill up circuit Chaturbate screens. I can't wait until bottom scrolls start and Pulty ads are wedged in!!! Then we watch 5 inch bar of basketball between ALL THAT DAta!!!

eTAN Thomas just made a slam! He then wrotre a poem as he ran back down counrt!!

That's an awfully angry poem, Etan, for a man who just made a HAM SLAM!!

Washington winning 20 to 11 with 2:44 left! Jarvis Bangers Hayes is scoring! Kwame is jumping just around and happily with nubileness! Looks manchild pumped! Brendan is fouling and planting feet! FOULING!! Deja VUDU!!!

Wizz lead after one! 20-15!! BRENDAN HAYWOOD LEADS ALL WIZZ SCORErs! Larry "The Brick" Hughes is 1 for 7! OH MY DAGGERS!!!

Second period begin. Oh Christian Laetnner is looking very handsome!! Long hair, headband look of 1994 is BACK! But with George Michael-style mascara beard and blond highlights! We suspect; now we know! WE LOVE CHRISTIAN WOMEN!!!!

Jarrko is snoring now, and he unconsiously rubbing jelly candies in his straw hair, making strawberry scented bloody mess. Circuit City manager ask him to leave. Jarrko not move. Jarrko breathing?

Juan Dix on court now! He rubs anti-bacterial lotion on hands that he dispenses from waist band every time ball leaves his hands! "Germs don't make baskets," Dixon was once quoted as saying. "Burnished metal counter tops do however!" He then polished the entire silverware collection in South Campus Dining Hall to prove point. Think his clean steel plan work not? Think again. Remember NCAA championship shot for Terrapins two years ago? THE GERMS LOST!!! POLISH SILVERWARED WON!!!!

Jared Jeffereies plays now (2nd unit in second quarter = symmetery, which is something Mr. Pollin preached at his invitro farm during WizzNutzz office tour there out in Jessup, Md. state prison facility) and he steals ball, drives quart and does AWESOME and CRUCial and TRADEMARKED MonChiChi move to be fouled. He purses lips, fakes right toward hotdog vendor in upper deck, then turns back to basket and lunges into Bull (not Shamgod!) and sketches a foul. GOOD DRAWING, JJ!!

hil and Steve are telling Eddy Curry to pull up his pants! THEN MYSTIC PHIL MAGICALLY YANKS THEM CURRY PANTS UP WITH A DEVLISH SQUINT! Simultaneous to Phil's magical yank, moist mulch mysteriously appears on Kwame's headband. A crown of soft thorns for the Man-child who was born on Boxing Day (Canada) and who lifts up the souls around him through baptisms of nubile sweat? THINK ABOUT IT?!

I must say, when Phil Chenier talks about good ball movement I know exactly of whence he speaketh. I spent my entire youth in Romania without good underwears and I had so much movement you'd think I was playing marbles in my pants. But now that Im wearing Mitchell Butler game-worn stretch underpants, I feel secure in the notion that the only ball movement I will experience is by mine own live sex shows choice.

Phil Chenier just used the word reacharound. I must mop my brow.

Wizz still winning in 3rd despite the fact that I don't remember anyone scoring!!

In other news, giant asteroid is heading toward planet earth and speciifcally aimed to a Fairfax, Va. townhouse listed to a one Mr. Kw. Brown. Jerry Stackhouse has request that said asteroid be redirected to Carolina Outerbanks. Even gives a SPECIFIC address near Cape Hatteras lighthouse that he would like 'stroid to land on. Keeps yelling "8 DAYS, BITCH!!!!"

Gilbert Aereolas is doing his best to spread the ball but I think, and Jarrko probably do too if was awake, he should start bombing and driving and not passing like a true Wizz point guard. EARN your keep, GIL grapes!!!

75 to 60 with 10 mins left in 4th and Wizz are winning!!! Touches all around! Smush Jarrkoo Smush!!

Phil chernier's birthday is Oct. 30! Everyone send him your old pumpkins!!! We hear Mrs. Chenier makes a mean pumpkin smoothie!!!

Steve Blake in at three minute mark with wizz up 91 to 65!! Blake sheds cheese belt, grabs kiss from Hidi, and strafes out to court to make "assissttss."

Game ends of Brendan Haywood block! Holds up arms in celebration and accidentally knocks down Jalen Rose desperation shot! PUT IT IN THE BOOKS! Wizz Win!! Wizz WinW!!!!!!!!

I'm going to drag Jarrko out of here! Clean him up with sand and Bullets cologne. See you at Dave and Busters'!!!!


Old man wants BJ

Also the team needs to re-sign LBoogie aka THE COY MISTER, #1 Aplus priority. The team brain trust said they are hopeful a deal will get done but haevnt started talks. But Wes Unseld HAS started negotiations with the agent of Pervis Ellison about a long term deal. WRAP em up big Wes!

Also decisions have to be made about Juan Dixon. Juan always says his life has been about overcoming doubts and low expectations. So the best thing for the livejasmine team is to challenge Juan by rolling up him in a carpet and shipping him to Mexico with no identification and see if he can fight his way back. Also Dixon is a fan favoirite at charity events, maybe we could sign him to a special contract where he only gets to serve turkey to the poor people at Thanksgiving and tell him, "Juan, people are all saying that you are too small to carve turkeys. They say there is no way you could carve 20 turkeys in one afternoon!!!"

For now though, the players earned a break and should enjoy there offseason. Here are some plans for how players will be spending their vacations:

WIZARDS PLAYERS OFFSEASON PLANS

Michael Ruffin is expanding his paper route! He is also a guest speaker at "Dome Week", the international phrenology expo in Prague.

Jared Jeffries and Brendan Haywood, "Little 1" and "Little 2", are taking their annual fishing trip! Because Sister Christian Laettner is still in the postseason, they had to find a new Chum Scoop. So they invited Peter Jon Ramos along and gave him an honorary "little" title: "Little Jon".

They also brought him along because he knows how to catch fish with his bare hands, and speaks like a pirate.

Jarvis Hayes is returning to Exeter.

Besides tending to his farm Jarvis will be entering his Fighting Goats in the local fair.

But most exciting for Jarvis is he will be graduating.

AFter he passes his final exam, an oral exam for which Jarvis has to sing Danny Kaye's "Policemans Song" , Jarv will be isued with a great coat, a peaked cap, truncheon, armlet and whistle and also given a small boot allowance.

Then he will be authorised by order of Queens law to defend his county from sheep rustlers, ragwort abuse and other "Barney Rubble" the rory locals may get into their heads to try and perpetrate. Juan Dixon was going to come a cheer on Jarv at the graduation but then someone told him about Foot and Mouth disease and plans changed.

Gilbert Arenas SLEEP!

and Steve Blake for the second straight year will be heading his pre-Draft rookie educational camp:

"SOAP STARZZ!!!

where he teaches new NBA players about what they can expect in the locker room on the NBA level. Including classes such as "SHower Ettiquette" , "Double Toweling", "For Enough Kools, No Means Yes!", and the popular "Chubbs, Chasers and Gainers OH MY!"

Past classes have been so popular.!! Carlos Arroyo says that the camp got him prepared for some of the difficult shower things coming ahead in his new career and gave him time to speak with his preist about lust and what God thinks of the "Forzados abrazos."

And Steve is in talks with a company about bring a line of VHS "SOAP STRAZZ" edutainment cassettes for teenagers, hosted by Craig T Nelson!!!


Former Bullet Rex Chapman blows the whistle on RACISTS at Kentucky University

Rex describes how he was ridiculed and called nasty names for dating black women.

What a Double Standard!

Im sure the black ladies were never called names when seen on campus Sexin Rex! Names like

"Hey Paste Lover!" "There goes the Cracker Barrell" and "Filthy CHAPWOMAN!!"

Also u think Morgan Freeman ever got any grief when he was dating Ashley Judd during her sophmore year at Kentucky???

Hell NO! Morgan was making out with Ashley in the quad in plain daylight! People see a beige reincoat on Ashleys dorm door knob and they knew he wasnt in there rehearsing lines for "Along Came a Spider"! You think Morgan got the business when he was seen checking his moles in the mirror of the sorority bathroom! Hell no again, people be wooping it up for Morgan, hi fiving the man. Triple standard!

TWO

The Miami Herald got the scoop on Gilbert Arenas mom!

Its very poignant. The best part tho for sure is to find out that Gilbert Senior played a drug dealing snitch in Miami Vice EPSIODE ONE and he was also in Van Damme movie "Lionheart" NETFLIX HERE WE COME!!! Check back this summer for wizznutzz acting clips!!!

THREE

Juan Dixon is the only NBA player set to testify on steroids.

Juan Dixon, Steroids!!!!!

Only 4 possibilites exists for this:

A. Juan thought it was a hearing to look into the unsanitary bathroom habits in the NBA

B. Juan Dixon is being asked to appear so David Stern can point to him and say "You think we got steroids in the NBA?? steroids in the NBA?? I give you Exhibit A!" Tom Daschle: "Mister Dixon please remove your trousers"

C. Juan Dixon will be used in a "Before and After" demonstration by sports physicians expert witnesses.

D. They're gonna dip Juan Dixon in ink and use him as a quill to sign the Steroid Proclamation!


Some Thoughts from the Heat Series

nothing its all good, no need to get your Jahidi Thongs in knot. Sure we need a few things but its not like playoff veteran 3 point specialists grow on trees , right???…. Anthony Peeler!!!!!!!!!! Also 7 foot physcial prodigys don't grow on trees but we'll get to KWAME (-- HE HAS RISEN --)later. For now redhot incitezz:

We aren't worried but we need to win these games. Its nice to get this far and all and there are moral victories but ABC and the NBA have added a new twist to the playoffs to get ratings up this year:

if your Team loses, Hubie Brown will perform a DEMENTORS KISS on the players.