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So Much Things To Say

Full slate of posting from WizzNutzz today, with all our INTERNS working overtime to bring you incites into Heat vs. Wiz. !!! Welcome to Miami!! Enjoy your three-day stay! Come back for an 8-day rental next week!

Jaarkko Ruutu is still out searching for Kwame, who was spotted washing dishes at a restaurant in Tony Cheng's neighborhood. Jaarko acted on tip but arrived just a bit late. A busboy who gave his name as Yu Wenshi Unseld said Kwame had already sped off with the Washington Times' Tom Knott. Wenshi said they were carrying live ducks and a bucket of Peking sauce.

August Strindberg brought himself out of an absinthe haze long enough to mumble something about this: During one game in Bulls series 7-foot-3 rookie Peter John Ramos blocked several fans' view at MCI Center, so one peeved patron yelled, "Yo, Party John, move your big 'ol head."

We have nothing to add!!!!

Gilbert Arenas told the Post that playing the Heat was like his wrestling matches with PartyJohn Ramos, who's a foot taller and about 70 pounds heavier in his misshapen head alone.

"I'm like 0-37 against him," said a petite Arenas. "But I'm going to keep going until he gives up. . . ."

The Post then had Gil talking about how you cant give up against the Heat, but the ellipses mean something was cut from his quote. Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl was there to capture unreported words:

"...See Party John is a great guy, but he's also from, like, Mars and I'm from Venus. So when I go low on him, instead of realizing that i'm trying to take him down by dislocating his wobbly knees, Party John pets my head and starts singing Puerto Rican folk songs. I'm like, What, PartyJohN? WE'RE WRESTLING!! So to get him irritated so he starts wrastlin' I start gnawing on his feet-them dogs are huge! And flat as a pancake and dry as a desert. I always tell Party John to moisturize after showering, but he's so busy trying to fit his T-shirt over his big head that he forgets all about the toiletries. Anyway, I'm gnawing on Party John's desert-ass feet, getting him riled up, trying to tip him over-cuz if I can chop off his feet he can't just stand there on his ankles cuz ankles don't work like that, unless you have CANKLES, which can act like training wheels, know what I'm saying? I knew this one girl who had no feet but she had cankles that looked like chubby plane wings-and she could totally motor when she was mad, swear! But most people-I mean, have you ever seen anybody without feet stand up for, like, more than a few seconds? No way!! Ankles are NOT meant for standing on. Ha hA! Anyway, so I'm trying to slice through Party John's cracked-earth feet with my front teeth, and dude finally realizes, Yo Quiero un wrestling match!!! And I'm like, FINALLY PARTY JOHN!!!! And then Party JOHn lifts me up by my short-shorts, gives me an overhead airplane spin and then tucks me in for a piledriver, which hurts like hell! I got a small soft head, man!! I bet you if someone drove PartyJohn's head into the hardwood dude wouldn't even notice it. His dome is all scar tissue, bet! Anyway, this is all to illustrate how we gotta come out against the Heat."

Great reporting, Dana! And you wrote all of that on your body with a Sharpie borrowed from Eddie Jordan!!!

Ken Beatrice reports from some newspaper that Arenas wore those aforementioned short-shorts in the last three games vs Bulls, but he switched during halftime with Heat, pulling on a pair of PartyJohn's gamenotworns. "Them short-shorts are terrible. That ain't me," Gilbert said.

Ken disagrees however, and says that Gilbert looks FANTASTIC in the short-shorts and he should continue wearing them, perhaps augmented with a cilice belt as corporal mortification might help with his jump-shot discipline.

Gilbert's relucatance to highlight his twig and berries in the Miami series is a far cry from what he told some newspaper the day before: "There are some nice babes in Miami, maybe they'll like my backside."

Maybe so, Gilbert, but if you don't hear from the ladies now that you're back to wearing baggy boys, rest assured that there's a male intern at a world-famous basketball website who has been sitting in his Mothering Hut for the past week drawing passionate pornographic sketches of you in batty riders. We'll send them to you!!!!

Finally, Darvin Ham reports that fellow pine-rider Party John Ramos told the Post's resident new "funnyman" and TOny Kornheiser replacement Mike Wise that Miami is his favorite NBA city. "The weather, the women, everything about Miami is great," explained Ramos to Mike Wise who goes on to write that PartyJohn is affectionately called "'In The Streets' by teammates, coaches and, at 4 a.m., a professional dancer named Candy."

That's funny because ever since Mike Wise was rejected as a WizzNutzz intern, he's been known as Candy whenever he dances at Camelot. HEy Wise, Tony Kornheiser has already been a pole dancer in town, too!! IS NOTHING SACRED?!!!!